Emotional Bank Account

I’m a huge fan of Stephen Covey and his 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. In fact, when I became a chief of police, it was one of 3 books on leading others that I checked out of the library (before Amazon or Barnes & Noble). While all 7 habits are critical to becoming a Significant Leader, the one I want to focus on today is: "Seek first to understand, then to be understood," which talks about "emotions bank accounts".

Like it or not, every relationship (personal or professional) has an "emotional bank account". It functions similarly to that of a traditional bank account. You make deposits and withdrawals every day and with every interaction you have or choose not to have. Be it a family member, romantic partner, or professional colleague, we make deposits and withdrawals daily. I personally was shocked to read in a recent article on workplace psychology, that to have a truly healthy emotional bank account with another, you need to make about 20 deposits to every 1 withdrawal! Wow!

A large balance in the "emotional bank account" for someone consists of a lot of positive connection, mutual trust, and showing that you genuinely care for them. So my question for you to consider today is: Do you understand where each of your emotional bank account balances with others are? Would some of your family members or coworkers say that your balance with them is high or that they have insufficient funds?

You see, we often think things are in good standing with others, but they may not be and may not have been good for some time. We may not fully notice the withdrawal of a colleague in meetings and consistently tell ourselves, I’ll make more time for them next week… and you never do. Or worse yet, we actually do make time for this person and then are not fully present with them. Or maybe you gave someone a great shout out during a staff meeting for a job well-done, but they really had hoped for a monetary bonus or a certificate of recognition.

What I didn’t learn or put together until later is that many of us don’t pay attention to the emotional currency that each person with whom we interact with requires. This doesn’t mean that you don't care, but it does mean that you may have misjudged what deposits need to be made for another to create a positive bank account with that person. This is often because we do not understand what emotional currency matters most to these individuals. Some examples of preferred currencies are:

• verbal or written appreciation
• valuable time spent
• thoughtful gifts
• physical interaction (in work environments this would be such things as high fives, fist bumps, and if appropriate, a hug)

For years, I was a "verbal or written appreciation" guy and was great at writing a personal note of recognition or giving a shout out to someone, but just because that was MY personal choice of currency doesn't mean others always received it the same way I would. 

Valuing others is really at the heart of maintaining positive emotional bank accounts. When you value people, you notice what’s important to them. Pay attention to the little things, especially when a high performer stops performing or withdraws. It’s a clue! Monitor the body language of others when you think you are making a deposit – are they genuinely happy to receive it? Does it seem to perk them up?

Significant Leaders grow future leaders by first seeking to understand how to value others and valuing others means finding out what each person's currency of choice really is. They notice the currency that makes the most impact with each person and uses it! In understanding your people, you will begin the important process of growing them as a future leader. You will create a partnership with them that leads to true leadership and organizational synergy.

So take some time this week to evaluate all of the truly important professional and personal relationships in your life. Ask yourself what deposits you’ve made recently in the "emotional bank account" with each person and then ask if it has been in the currency they prefer and is most meaningful to them. If you do this, you’ll be on the road to being significant AND will know all of your emotional bank accounts have more than sufficient funds.

Have you tried using a method similar to this before? What worked and what didn't work? Would love to hear your thoughts on this!

- Dean