Emotional Regulation

As leaders and professionals, most of us have heard of emotional intelligence. While there are 5 components of Daniel Goleman’s model on emotional intelligence (self-awareness, self-control, situational or organizational awareness, relationship management, and empathy), I find that the ability to recognize emotional triggers and regulate them effectively (self-control) is perhaps the one element of emotional intelligence that will make or break a leader.

We’ve all seen those co-workers, managers, etc. who are great at their craft. They possess tremendous empathy and excel overall at leading, but they seem to get stopped just shy of their maximum potential because they haven’t learned how to self-regulate when faced with an emotional trigger. Trust me, this isn’t easy.

When our amygdala (the part of our brain that manages our fight or flight response) is triggered, it can literally be hijacked! Hijacked in that we react before our rational thought gives us a chance to say “Whoa, hold up there, buddy! Let’s back up and think about this situation and respond instead.”

Social media has increased the number of daily triggers to our amygdala. We see posts from friends and colleagues that exclude us or make us feel angry, sad, emotional, or extremely happy. Regardless of the trigger emotion, the good news is that you can use some proven strategies that actually prevent you from having your amygdala hijacked. The goal is to use and develop these skills so as to give yourself time to respond rather than react.

Here are five things experts recommend you do to help you respond instead of react:

1. Create space. Emotions will hit you hard and fast. Your rational brain doesn’t just say, “Now I will be mad.” Instead, we suddenly feel enraged or angry by a person, a situation, whatever it is. So, the key gift we can give ourselves is to STOP and PAUSE. Take a breath. Separate yourself from the trigger that created the reaction. If you are in a professional meeting, ask to be excused and remove yourself physically from the situation that triggered the emotional response. The key is to slow down and expand the time between the trigger moment and your response to it. Generally, the best rule of thumb is to take 24 hours minimum to respond. Truly sleeping on it will give you the perspective necessary to respond and NOT react. Remember, reacting is emotional and responding is rationally addressing the situation.
2. Name what you are feeling. When you give yourself space, it gives you time to recognize what you are feeling. Name the emotion. Are you angry? Why? Are you sad? Why? When you can name your emotions to yourself, it will help you explain what you are feeling to others. In other words, you allow your rational brain to catch up and reason with your emotional brain.
3. Feel the physical reaction. When you are “triggered”, you usually feel the emotion. You will shake, cry, clench your teeth, etc. Some physical reaction comes with the emotional reaction. Also, be mindful of other factors. Are you tired? Are you hungry? Are you feeling physical pain? All of these conditions can exacerbate your reaction to the trigger. So, understanding this combined with the first two will enable you to avoid the amygdala hijack.
4. Watch your self-talk. Often, a trigger hits a deep-seeded insecurity about yourself. This insecurity may be subconscious, however, it likely comes from the self-talk you tell yourself. The average person has more than 80,000 thoughts daily. Sadly, 80% are usually negative. Everything from self-criticism about your appearance to what you say in meetings will create self-critical thoughts. “I’m too fat", I'm too thin”, “I always say something stupid”, or “I never seem to fit in.” This self-talk becomes embedded in your subconscious, which then creates circumstances that allow your emotional brain (your amygdala) to be hijacked.
5. Choose positive emotions. A formal colleague of mine used to say, “Assume positive intent.” When you embody the possibility that others are not intending to harm you, you give yourself the time to determine what is really going on. When you are faced with a negative professional experience, the key is to manage your emotions and to channel them into a mature, appropriate response that will create a positive outcome.

Emotional regulation disorder is no joke. Most of us don’t have the clinical definition of this where the individual truly has difficulty controlling their emotions and often experience dramatic changes in mood. For this blog post, we are focused on professionals who often find themselves in stressful situations that require the ability to regulate their response. Most can do this when they practice these and other recommended skills. That is the real beauty of emotional intelligence. Unlike personality, the elements of emotional intelligence can be worked on and developed. Those professionals who have learned what works for them typically achieve greater professional success than those who do not.

Let me know what techniques you have used to regulate your emotions. Email me at [email protected].

Have a great rest of the week!

- Dean